Day 2337

I hate feeling helpless. Dot continues to grow weaker and there is very little I can do at this point. I've tried everything I possibly can to keep her happy, motivated, and free from pain, but it's a losing battle. Cancer and a damaged spinal cord have taken their toll. The vets have no answers anymore when I ask what to do next to keep her strong. Maybe this is just a bad week, but I'm afraid that another disc might have ruptured. It's been noticeably harder for her to walk without assistance this week. She doesn't even try to get up very often. We were warned that this would happen eventually, but it's hard to accept that our indestructible girl might not bounce back anymore.

I'm always looking for answers, but we may never know exactly what has caused this latest setback. Dot is too weak for anesthesia, so we can't give her another MRI. An MRI is the only way to determine for certain whether another disc has ruptured or slipped. Something pressing on her spinal cord would certainly explain the current weakness in her legs, but it could be something else entirely. The cancer may have progressed to the point where is is causing her pain. There are several pain medications available, but they all have serious side effects. Dot's vet has encouraged us to try extended rest before resorting to something that will cause her liver to fail even faster.

Dash becomes depressed when Dot is sick. He has always been a nervous, frightened dog and has depended on Dot for stability. Without his constant companion at his side, Dash doesn't know what to do. Since Dot is sleeping, he just sleeps too. It's all kind of sad. I sit in a quiet house where the phone doesn't ring and my dogs and my career are slowly fading away. For the past two years, my life has been focused around keeping Dot healthy. For the most part, this journey has been a remarkable success, but it's getting harder now. Nobody lives forever.

I need to stay positive, because the next few months aren't going to be easy. Dot's urinary incontinence has returned, so now she pees and poops in her bed. Dot's body may be failing, but her spirits are still good. She barks when she sees a cat, eats her meals with gusto, and still looks forward to a morning walk, even though her legs won't take her very far. As long as she remains happy, I'll make any adjustments that are necessary. I don't know what I'm going to do when she loses the will to keep going.

Today was very slow. I made my morning smoothie, cleaned up poop, tinkered with the dehumidifier, and tried to make my self useful. I spend a good chunk of the afternoon trying to get a couple pieces of movie making gear to play nice together. I used to be able to solve these kind of problems by calling a few friends. Now, I spend hours making endless Google searches and sending e-mail to manufacturers. I think I solved the problem I was having, but I'll never know for sure until I actually use the equipment to make a movie.

I hope that giving Dot lots of rest today helps. If she wakes up a little stronger, we'll rest some more. I'm wondering whether we should skip physical therapy this week as well. I'll call Dot's vet and see what she thinks. All I know is that we're running on empty now and there isn't a gas station in sight.

Spot is today's Dalmatian of the Day

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Day 2257

My stomach vetoed going out for breakfast this morning. After we walked the dogs, I just ate a leftover frozen waffle I found in the refrigerator and went back to bed. I don't know what kind of bug I caught, but it's a lot more persistent than I anticipated. The first day was a runny nose and a sore throat. The second day was aching joints, night sweats, vomiting, and a mild fever. Today things seem to have settled in my chest. I'm coughing more and still feel tired. I think I'm getting better, but it's hard to tell. The aches and pains keep moving around.

Did I mention I'm a hypochondriac? I rarely get sick, but when I do, I always think I've come down with something much worse than I really have. Now, I'm wondering if the tick that bit me a few weeks ago caused this. It's highly unlikely that I have some strange tick-borne disease, since my symptoms seem exactly like the flu, but that's how my mind works. A mild case of the flu usually lasts about three days and a more serious case can last up to a week. My flu shot obviously didn't work, but maybe it is helping to keep things from becoming worse. There's got to be some reason why I keep getting these flu shots year after year.

I got off to an extremely slow start this morning, but I eventually finished my writing assignment and turned it in. The only other thing I did today was go to the grocery store and pick up something for dinner. I didn't feel like eating anything hot, so I got some chicken salad, potato salad, and broccoli slaw. I probably shouldn't have gotten anything, because I wasn't really hungry.

So far so good with Dot. She's only taken one round of chemo pills so far, but there doesn't seem to be any obvious adverse reactions. She still has a good appetite and enjoys her walks in the morning. Since Dot is tired and weak anyway, it might be hard to detect a subtle further decline. She gets her second set of pills tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping that the new lower dose and extra day of recovery will help prevent the weakness that was obvious the first time we tried chemo. If this works, the Palladia pills could add significantly to the amount of time we still get to share with her.

I think I'm going to skip some of my usual Saturday errands tomorrow. What's the point. There's nothing I do that can't wait a few days. I think the priority now is to shake off this cold and get better. I hate to take decongestants or cold pills, so the only thing that makes sense to me are some extended naps with the dogs. The house may get a little dirtier, but I think the dogs will understand.

Spot is today's Dalmatian of the Day

Watch of the Day